Introjective depression – the autonomous kind, on the other hand, is characterized by intense self-criticism and there is frequently, then, an intense drive for achievement to offset the internalized sense of inferiority and self-scrutiny. These individuals can be extremely critical of others as well as themselves and can be intensely competitive, often achieving a great deal, but with little sense of satisfaction – no amount of external validation seems to satisfy the harsh and demanding person that they can be in relationship to themselves.
-Karl Stukenberg on Sydney Blatt’s Developmental Theory of Depression
it seems we lose the game,
before we even start to play
–Everything Is Everything
Got my walking papers. Guess this means the gloves are off. 5 years can feel like a lifetime or it can go by way too fast on shift, on the clock and working for the man. If it sounds like I’m complaining it’s because that’s my voice, I’m charged with it-fiery and riled and launching these missives through the barrel of a gun. It’s because the last thing I want to do is tell you a lie or waste your time. It’s this voice I honed and came to grips with, working for Mr. Fox. The job gave me a bedtime, gave me the morning, still hated but doable, forced me to eat meals and sleep and watch movies and be lazy. Above all it taught me what I need to be high functioning, and it’s hardly what I thought it would be.
I’ve published 3 books in the last 5 years, written hundreds of blogs and letters, and played more than 120 gigs, not counting spoken word and storytelling gigs, since I was hired on. I’m glad to put it this way, and catch a rare reprieve from the inner critic. The first sentence of this paragraph riddles the inner critic with buckshot, stuffs its mouth with gauze and sends it 6 feet closer to Heaven. I might not be Henry Rollins but I’m gaining on him. The pace is fucked. I’ll never be happy with how long these things take and that’s probably because I’ll never be happy with myself. I feel like I’m behind before I even wake up in the morning and wonder of the wisdom, sung by Lauryn Hill, in that song from days past. But there’s so much more to it than that.
Up against it as we are, fucked and doomed to play their game should be enough to motivate, and it does. The specter of death, terribly advancing on us from the day we’re born should be enough, and it is. Never being Henry Rollins, never being good enough, has been fine motivation these slipshod and lean years-I know where it’s gotten me but I draw a blank when I think about what’s next. It’s because you can’t build on a negative. Anybody who’s ever quit anything knows that not doing it is only the beginning. You must substitute it with something you are doing. Quitting smoking, for example. Of course, I had to first stop doing it. Once I did the space opened up for something else. Saying FUCK FUCK FUCK in my head seems to work, until I rupture a blood vessel, but certainly got me through terrible and troubling hours at the IPRC a few weeks ago. At every step of All in the wind‘s production I was struck with the anxiety of never living my dreams-a great dread that neatly incorporates my fear of death and incredible lack of self esteem into a thorny and torrid cocktail called WHY I WORK ALONE.
Fear of dying will get you out of bed in the morning. You bet. A voice in your head telling you you’ll never be anything, never were anything, your parents were right and just because you left your hometown doesn’t mean you got away can also be great motivation, but not in the long run. I’m 41 and I feel like I am just getting started. Yogic wisdom tells me that all we are ever doing is getting started, and completing tasks with the quickness of Shiva’s wheeling hands. The twisted cocktail of death and low self esteem, and the example of great men like meteors burning across the small town sky of my psyche can be potent, virile and all the ingredients needed for a bomb-but I feel like I’m gonna need a fire and for a fire you need fuel.
Work in media suits me. It’s probably the only kind of work besides performing in which I feel like I am making a change. I’m struck, sitting here, that it was just over 5 years ago when I decided to do something meaningful with my life and said goodbye to the bars with a few answered ads for Caregivers on craigslist. In the last 5 years I was able to produce consistently as an artist by going to sleep at a certain time every night, and getting up at the same time every morning. I had to make enough money to fund the first pressings of All in the wind and September , and have enough spare cash to fly out to the many unpaid (if not thankless) gigs in Philly and Louisiana. HAAM paid my healthcare premiums but I was only able to get behind the trouble in my mouth with a begrudging loan against an inheritance from my mother, who sent me a check made out to the dentist. Which is nothing I want to get into now. It should be noted that I’m sitting on a lengthy backlog of posts, inspired by the prospect of being on RawPaw’s payroll in the Fall of ’14 and a request from Bean Maguire to recount my savage road to sobriety. The point, now mangled and drug down this winding graph, is I only did it with a whole lot of gumption, even more bitterness and a little bit of luck.
I discovered what I need these last 5 years. What I want has never been in question, but the crossroads of dread and inspiration at the hated age of 41 has me asking other questions. Like, how will I hit 20 major cities a year and maintain my bedtime? How can I possibly create without seeming to be in control of what happens within my own 4 walls? Simply, maybe I’m not Rollins. It’s not exactly in the cards to be on the road for over 200 days a year. Knowing what I need is a start, knowing that it’s fuel is even better, and how I can be at my strongest and even ease the grip of this dream, live a little and breathe is healthy, and necessary. the area of pause, as Papa put it.
Bukowski, as close to an example and road as I have, lived most of his life at War, but the man knew how to rest, too, and the author’s photos on his later works showcase the hard earned, worn and warm smile of Hank-a man aware of his limitations and therefore resting fully in his own power, if not in love then at peace.
Going for the Throat 