–for Ryan Camp
worse than last year
and last year I was feeling
worse than the year before
I’m half the man I was
and even less than that every year
I look in the mirror
and it’s the same face
kind&wretched
is the goddess still in love with me?
time wrecks me and wears me down
the red heart’s pocked with hatred
and I’m better off w/o them
but it got me, too
this cheap, fast life
in which you hold on and you can’t win
but if you let go you’ll just lose
I can tell you’ve grown tired, friend
you’ve held me up too long
and it’s dragging you down
you know I still know what’s right
shit, she tried to hug me at the party
last night
but
there won’t be any forgiveness for her
either
she’s as phony as they come
her porcelain smile her perfect triumph
of vanity over truth
she said I was crazy
but
“the fuck does she know?”
you tell me I’m depressed
at too many parties celebrating
nothing
and the cool Fall nights
stacked up and heavy in death’s cadre
weighing me down, coming between us
tipping the scales and tempting me to
go dark fully
I never wanted to hurt you, friend
that’s the saddest part
I know that I’ve let you down and that
really breaks my heart.
Going for the Throat 