Jim Trainer


In Uncategorized on February 14, 2022 at 2:56 pm

My last serious relationship ended up being a rehash of the one that preceded it. She acted much the same and in fact worse our second go round which included: gaslighting, lies, claims of being solicited by my songwriting hero and a cry for help cloaked in a terribly-acted voicemail of her being abused by the man she was shacked up with while avoiding contact with me. I could chalk these theatrics up to being a fool for love, which I don’t much mind, or maybe her way of exacting some kind of vengeance for leaving behind the white-trash circus of her life the first time. I responded to her abuse and lies and pissy vengeance(?) maturely and with all the growth I’d garnered since the first time we broke up and I walked out of her kitchen, got in my car and drove from Philadelphia to Austin in 36 hours. It burns a little knowing I’d wasted so much time on someone who didn’t care at all but it’s just sad to consider she’s what my therapist calls “really fucked up” and there isn’t any hope there, never was and never will be.

Not long after our breakup I went to Hawaii for a job offer and subsequently had the best tour of my life. I hit 5 cities and came home with the last show on film and money in my pocket. Tour ended well but it was gnarly on the road as the other performer on the bill accused me of some seriously horrible shit. All of it untrue and heinous to deal with out there on the road. She backed out of the shows but I didn’t know where I’d stay and was unsure if even my flight was guaranteed as it was booked by her. I just knew that the show must go on and it did. Much the same as how I handled the breakup, I responded to her maturely and stepped back with open hands, as the Buddhists say—pulled a 14-hour day performing in Athens and ending up back in Columbus the day before a red-eye to Hostile City for the last show of the tour. I can’t remember if there was any conciliation from either of these parties, which leads me to believe there wasn’t. As much as the malicious and vindictive behavior of my X and terrible subterfuge from my touring partner didn’t track with me, neither would have any half-ass apology, which, again, I can’t be sure even happened as I’m on my own wavelength and operating from this height and never lower. 

Most of what’d been bothering me my whole life doesn’t track or affect me and certainly not in the same way anymore. I know it’s a script. That I’ll probably go after and in fact devote myself to unattainable love in the form of someone suffering with BPD, or end up collaborating artistically with someone and suffer from bad boundaries and petty conceit. Also my own bad blues and this up-until-now story of blowing it and coming up forfeit at being an artist, that all I’ve sworn off and gone without was for naught and I’m left only with the sacrifice I made for this life, and never the boons, as I never took the risk or laid it all on the line. It was Uncle Hank’s birthday yesterday and it’s not hard for me to slip into comparing my life to his, my hero and someone I modeled myself after in regards to everything from spirituality to publishing. These days though, it’s easier to remember that even if I’m not leading Rollins’ Henry Miller-kind-of-life, and though I haven’t seen half the things he has or found the same outlets and ubiquity as he, my life is still pretty great. I’ve managed to build my own brand, as odious as that sounds, and operate a publishing house that does small runs and tour in jaunts and spurts until I could string some cities together to perform every night so that by tour’s end the show is a killer. Now that’s vindication, eh Reader? I’ve worked for years at making my life better and now it is. I’ve got a gig on the weekend and the whole week to write, book and promote. I’ve come up roses and I didn’t have to lay a hand or even say a bad word to the enemy. These days the trash takes itself out and I’m better. Regardless of anyone or anything and with love and support from the good ones I made this austere and loitering life, squinting at brilliance and up and swinging at the sky.

Please join us for
The Virtual Release of Jim Trainer’s STRIDE

Nathan Hamilton (TX)
Amy Turn Sharp (OH)
Spencer Mirabel (OR/TX)
Christia Hoffman (TX)
Charlie O’Hay (PA)
Aimeé Mackovi(TX/CA)
Eric Peffley (CA)
Jim Trainer (PA/TX)

Thursday March 3 on FB Premiere

For letter pressed collections of Jim Trainer’s poetry and broadsides by Will Stenberg go here

To support Jim Trainer’s personal journalism, and for live readings of poetry and songs go here
  1. Proud of you, Jim!!

  2. […] tolerate from myself and that is being dumb. So I took that post down. Put up a live reading of SLIPSHOD LIFE. Talked with my therapist for 45 minutes burning shag and drinking 7-11 breakfast blend. The good […]

  3. […] to Hawaii. I told him I was there for a job offer in the fall but it didn’t pan out due to personal differences. That I wish I tried harder, or addressed them at all. Instead I just hit the road. Did 5 cities on […]

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