13/30

strange life sitting up in bed
half naked in socks and tee
in an apartment high above
a city I wasn’t born in
strange, life, that it’s still happening
that it keeps going on
after blowing it so many fucking times
the past is a monolith
with so many futures coming out of it
being older than I ever wanted
sitting up in bed
next to a woman who’s ok
with herself and should I need to
get up and out of there she’ll
say ttyl and ciao
lately I been seeing myself
at my desk at night at a screen
and I know it’s precious life
and it can cut through every lie
I’ve ever told myself
to make it in their world
and to get by
enough
with that mummy shit
pain covetous pain, always being tired
strange life it’s got so
strange
going on’s like an exploding gift
I used to be afraid to die
now I know death is only looking back
considering some ghost—that’s
who I am to me now
and from the past, a monolith
walking out of that dream
taking to the day
while something marks and
hunts me down
and carrying all that pain—
it’s true I didn’t ever live my best
or better than I probably am
right now
and that’s the gift, it’s laden
I know I can’t ever be forgiven
I’ll have to take that with me
being sorry’s keeping the fist
of the heart open
ain’t it
in every pulse and throe
and every moment is knowing
I shouldn’t even be here,
and don’t much deserve to be but
I’ll take it, this
bounty, this new youth, this tumbling
bumbling
strange life.