“Fuck Yoga,” my partner was saying, “you should take up boxing.”
We were on the long slink into Texas from Louisiana. Crossing the gulf coast underneath godheads of clouds that rained on us as we passed.
“Something where you can hit someone, and get hit.”
I was wound tight but it wasn’t the traffic. It wasn’t from my third cup of gas station coffee either.
“Just sit back,” I told him and eased the stereo up to 10.
Suddenly the rain broke and the road wound long to the horizon. A good sign. I rolled the windows down. My partner fell asleep without another word.
The close quarters of a black 2016 Hyundai Santa Fe were enough to make us buggy, rolling down the windows or reaching for the stereo, a set of earphones or a piece of gum. Any way to create some space. My partner slept for a lot of the drive. Most in fact, which was ok, and much better than unsolicited advice about my “short fuse” or spartan road diet of sliced apples and bread and cheese from Starbucks. It wasn’t all bad and in fact was mostly good. We had a good run and he offered encouragement with his criticisms, especially after my set at Siberia on Saturday.
The gist of it is that in twenty years of booking bands, Bernard can spot talent and according to him I’ve got it. As much as I’ve heard that over twenty years of performing, his words sank in, really got in there. It was undeniable and I heard him. He also offered that maybe the dayjob shouldn’t be anything but. When I told him my plans of riding my caregiving gig as long as I could he said it was a mistake. I heard him, too. This blog ain’t about him though. At least not specifically.
This post is about a life devoted to the creation of Art. An attempt to disabuse myself of fearful notions that have only kept me doleful and caged. I took the safe route. Perhaps. I still made Art. In Yoga this morning I realized that everything I think is just that-what I think. This is some powerful medicine, Brothers&Sisters, and between the kind words of my tour partner and the self-realization afforded one on the Yogic path, I can see out. I ain’t so scared anymore. So, then- what am I waiting for?
I don’t know. But my laziness knows no bounds. There’s been a lot of fucking about since we pulled off LaTex Road last Monday. I started back working full-time, which ain’t easy. I’ve submitted some work and attempted to book some. But much like when I was smoking and boozing and knew I was not living authentically-I know now that I’m not at 100%. The details of it are shameful. I don’t know why you’d want to read about it, but you do, and for this I am forever thankful.
Philly is the last to be booked on my east coast mini-tour. Perhaps that’s how it should be but I’ve known about these dates since May- when I pushed back my usual June shows to September, and added Boston and NYC. Some shit fell through. Mostly unforeseen but now I know. Also, I don’t need to be reminded that throughout my endeavors I will find a way to blame myself, to prove that I’m not good enough or worry about screwing it up long enough to actually screw it up. Fly into Boston at twice the cost of a ticket quoted in May, without radio, without a local third act and without a place to stay. Not to mention without New York City booked at all. Some shit fell through. Other shit I worried myself into a fit over, while doing nothing but laying on my back and masturbating.
Shameful, I know. It’s fucking crazy being me. I don’t know what I’d do without you, good reader. I’m still kicking against it, the blues, insisting on this life and burning down the savage road I first stepped foot on over twenty years ago. I’m still fucking it up colossally too, making twenty year old mistakes. It’s as if I’m doing this for the first time, which, in a way, I am. Sober. Completely me. Raw. Nervous. Wanting a cigarette so bad I could cry, at times, but knowing that my pain would only stop there. It’s quite the ride Brothers&Sisters. I’m quaking in my boots. I’m nervous and raw and completely me. Still after it. Still alive. Still going for the throat.
Namaste
There is no Buddha but the Buddha that you are. If you meet the Buddha on the road you haven’t understood what the Buddha is. It is none other than your original mind. The idea of seeing the Buddha as outside of your self is conceptual-as is “becoming enlightened.” One can not become enlightened because that would assume that you are gaining something that you don’t have. Your basic nature is enlightened, awake, free, non-dual. This is completely experiential and not conceptual. You have to kill the concept of Buddha both inside and out.
–JJ Simon
Going for the Throat 