Jim Trainer

Shrieks of Paradise, Correspondence&Rails#3, Ello Luv

In Uncategorized on August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Sybil-

Great hearing from you.  Thank you for your kind words about my writing.  I will try to address each of your concerns/questions in order.

First:  No–she is not my girlfriend.  Generally speaking, I’m in some kind of relationship purgatory, condemned to right the wrongs I’ve done or at least come to grips with the reasons why I’ve ruined every good thing that came my way for the last 8 years.  This one’s a little different–special, as you say, because she’s more guarded than me and if anyone will ruin what we have it will be her. I’m just along for the ride, and yes–that is her car.

Second:  I don’t really know what was going on back there but I was glad to help out.  I was just trying to get some sleep. They were back there and being loud for a while and those punks were lucky they didn’t catch a beat down. After I saw you off, I ran into Camp on the stairs brandishing a tire iron and a flashlight.  

Third:  Job’s great.  They’re 15-hour days but with lots of downtime.  I usually write & play guitar, or teach Yoga. Without benefits but I’m still making 10% of my income playing gigs so I can stay on HAAM for medical&dental&etc–and, I got two books of poetry coming out, the first in the Fall.

Fourth:  Good fucking riddance if you ask me.  I don’t think the guy knows what it’s like to have to work for a living.  I think his parents were always there for him. But I’m a bad judge of these things, I guess–the whole employer/employee relationship.  I mean he’s no different than any boss I’ve ever had. When I was in Acting School we studied subtext. I always employ a subtle & violent subtext when dealing with bosses.  I sustain a tone of I will fucking kill you in my voice when talking to them and I never look them in the eye for very long, but hey, that’s me.

Lastly, sorry to hear that.  My subconscious calls the shots for me, for better or ill.  When I first moved down here my libido got lost and sex was the last thing on my mind.  I was working the warehouses and I had the weekends off but all I did was stalk Shoal Creek Blvd. and jerkoff in my apartment.  And now, this.  Yes!  I can’t tell what’s worse but I can go at anytime now and multiple times a day.  I hope it’s getting better, hope it’s reaching critical mass and everything will balance out.

Was back in New York and thinkin’ of you
saw you from my cab, a shimmering jewel
The drunk on absinthe way you see
she’s a great soul in a small destiny

I guess all this back & forth really begs the question.  What if we had stayed in college town? Would we still be in love?  You were my first and biggest, rivaled only by my second. Seems kind of cheap & petty that we’d buckle under something as asinine as your infidelitiy with a jerkoff guitar player from the Burning Brides for fuck sake.  Yeah I stuck around. I picked up what I could and picked it clean. And I found a royal flush on the street when you left our engagement ring in a Nat Sherman box at the bar.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda.  Today’s trouble’s just piss in the can compared to the twisted shit we had to deal with back then through our 20s in the ghetto.  That shit was real.  It wasn’t just some headtrip or whatever, like, it actually happened.  I mean, I had less than noble intentions and we all had something to prove but ignorance didn’t give a fuck. That dude would have left us for dead and bleeding out on the corner of 47th&Chester.  Ignorance is what conservatives have created and what liberals don’t understand.

It got the best of him too, and now he’s gone.  I remember how sad people were, when they heard.  Tau offering “His death was yours.” If anyone else had said that to me I would have just laughed.  So I said good riddance. The fall got cold and it wasn’t fun anymore. I walked out front your house and spit.  I felt like just another suit in your deck of cards. So I said goodbye and walked away.

I stayed in college town
and took my time to move on
My name will never move
carved in the sidewalk here with you
-Johanna of the Spirits

Hope this helps.

With Love Always,
Jim

  1. […] apart and  dire need for motherfuck change that has risen.  Of course I stayed too long in college town and probably drank and/or fucked away my intellect and movie star looks.  I guess I should […]

  2. Reblogged this on Going for the Throat and commented:

    From a #LetterDay in 2012 and roaring in from the past and hearts and minds of lovers and liars at the end of the American Century. #goingforthepost, send me your address and I will write you a letter.

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