Jim Trainer

Shrieks of Paradise, Correspondence&Rails#3: Ello Luv

In Uncategorized on August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Sybil-

Great hearing from you.  Thank you for your kind words about my writing.  I will try to address each of your concerns/questions in order.

First:  No-she is not my girlfriend.  Generally speaking, I am in some kind of relationship purgatory, condemned to right the wrongs I’ve done or at least come to grips with the reasons why I’ve ruined every good thing that came my way for the last 8 years.  This one’s a little different, special, as you say, because she’s more guarded than me and if anyone will ruin what we have it will be her.  I’m just along for the ride, and, yes-that is her car.
Second:  I don’t really know what was going on back there but I was glad to help out.  I was just trying to get some sleep. Those punks were back there fucking off and being loud for a while.  They had it coming and have no idea the hell we could’ve raised on they asses had they stuck around.  After I saw you off, I ran into Camp on the stairs.  He was holding some kind of a tire iron-looking thing and looked more than ready to “help out”.
Third:  Job’s great.  They’re 15 hour days but with lots of downtime.  I usually write&play guitar, or teach Yoga.  Boss is great, a kind soul, funny&smart.  Without benefits but I’m still making 10% of my income playing gigs so I can stay on HAAM for medical&dental&etc.  And I got two books of poetry coming out, the first in Fall 2012.
Fourth:  Good fucking riddance if you ask me.  I don’t think the guy knows what it’s like to have to work for a living.  I think his parents were always there for him.  But I’m a bad judge of these things, I guess, the whole employer/employee relationship.  I mean he is no different, maybe slightly more callous, than any boss I’ve ever had.  When I was in Acting School we studied subtext.  I always employ a subtle&violent subtext when dealing with bosses.  I sustain a tone of I will fucking kill you in my voice when talking to them and I never look them in the eye for very long.  But hey-that’s me.
Lastly, sorry to hear that.  My subconscious calls the shots for me, for better or for ill.  When I first moved down here my libido got lost and sex was the last thing on my mind.  I was working the warehouses and I had the weekends off but all I did was stalk Shoal Creek Blvd. and jerkoff in my apartment.  And now, this.  yes.  I can’t tell what’s worse but I can go at anytime now and multiple times a day.  I hope it’s getting better, I hope we’re reaching critical mass and the thing will balance out.
was back in New York and thinkin’ of you
Saw you from my cab, a shimmering jewel
The drunk on absinthe way you see
She’s a great soul in a small destiny

I guess all this back&forth really begs the question, doesn’t it?  What if we had stayed in love and stayed in college town all these years?  Seems kind of cheap&petty that we would buckle under something as asinine as your infidelities with a jerkoff drummer from L.A.  Yeah-I stuck around.  I picked up what I could, picked it clean.  I found a royal flush on the ghetto streets the day you left our wedding ring in a Nat Sherman box on top of the bar at the Gojjo.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda.  The broken fucking record of wound&re-wound.  Today’s trouble’s just piss in the can compared to the twisted shit we had to deal with back then, in our youth, in the ghetto.  I’m starting to realize that shit was real.  It wasn’t just some headtrip or whatever, like, it actually happened.  I mean, I had less than noble intentions.  I had something to prove.  But when we headbutted against ignorance, it didn’t care.  It would have shot us, walked away and left us for dead on the corner of 47th&Chester.  Ignorance-its what conservatives have created and what liberals don’t understand.

It got the best of him too, and now he’s gone.  I remember how sad people were, when they heard.  My brother Tau offering me that Eastern, all-our-relations trip–something about, “His death was yours.”  If anyone else had said that to me I would have just laughed.  As it was, I said good riddance.  The fall got cold and it wasn’t fun anymore.  I walked out front your house and spit.
I felt like just another suit in your deck of Cards.  I said good riddance and I walked away.
I stayed in college town
And took my time to move on
My name will never move
Carved in the sidewalk here with you
-Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Johanna of the Spirits

Hope this helps.
w/Love Always,
Jim

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  1. […] apart and  dire need for motherfuck change that has risen.  Of course I stayed too long in college town and probably drank and/or fucked away my intellect and movie star looks.  I guess I should […]

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